Dianna Buchwalter

"I'm a bad mom." I said to myself after I raised my voice for what seemed like the 75th time a few days ago. The lie that first visited me slowly threatened to become a permanent resident.  It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. Let me set the stage a little bit. My husband and I have five children together. We are a newly blended family discovering the difficulties of merging two households into one while also reaping the rewards of it. As with most children, ours will bicker over the most petty things. "She's staring at me." "He's being bossy." And on and on. On this particular day, after a few hours of being around one another, the kids needed a break and so did I. I retreated to my bathroom and the tears flowed. Question after question flooded  my mind. "Why is this so hard?" "Am I cut out for this?" "Will it ever get better?" I didn't get immediate answers to those questions...

For the past few days, I've been turning in circles around our new home.  There's no background music nor am I practicing for Amercia's Got Talent. I've been spinning from room to room as I examine what needs to be done and, at the same time, not knowing what to do. Two months ago, I was living in a different town, doing the same routine I had for years. I was engaged then but still in my  comfort zone. We were planning our new lives together and I was eager for my husband and I's family to merge into one.  Life has been chaos for weeks with to do lists a mile long which left little time for much else. Boxes quickly became unpacked.  My husband went back to work and the kids back to school. It's left the house quiet for a few hours a day. In those wonderful moments when I am able to catch my breath, a question continues to enter my mind: "God, what do you want me to do?" At first, I wondered why I had those thoughts. I'd received every...

  for Chad     In 2015, I wrote an article titled The Old Wooden Bench .  At the time, I was a single mom of two children. I discussed some of the hardships of being a single woman with a desire to be married. Please go back to my previous post and read it first so this makes more sense. The following article is an update of how life can change quicker than a snap of a finger when God rules your life and He says it’s time. My heart raced as my car inched closer to his driveway. “What if there’s no chemistry?” “What if we have nothing to talk about?” “Have I set myself up to be let down again?”  These are all questions that fumbled around in my mind as I prepared to meet my blind date on that scorching June day in 2015. What I didn’t know was that date would turn out to be the best one I’d ever had.  Hours seemed like minutes as we talked about life, children and goals for the future. When the hot summer sun gave way to the light of t...

There is an old wooden bench that sits in my back yard. A lot of use has come out of it. In fact, it used to be quite charming. It’s rotted now and the best use for it would be in a dump. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting on it, alongside someone. Now, it’s falling apart board by board. If only I had a truck to haul it off, or better yet, if only I had a man in my life to rid it of its misery.  But, I don’t. Truth is, there’s many things around my house that could use repairing or tweaking. Many of which I’m not strong enough to tackle alone. Most times, life is so busy that I forget about what’s being neglected. I rush by the broken porch, the swing set that’s falling apart, and the old bench that’s caving in. But, w hen I’m stilled, all of the broken things seem to come into focus. The reality of my singleness seems to be magnified.  It makes me long for a husband.  Not to just fix things around the house, but for the companionship - Someone to tell ...

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 There it was, this small, square, thin plate of glass staring at me on the bathroom floor. The scale and I have a love/hate relationship. Its powers do more than display my weight. Depending on what numbers pop up, that scale can solicit a smile or cause my shoulders to slump faster than a cheetah chasing its prey. The pressure to be thin seems to start at an early age and has only intensified through modern technology. Social media, magazines and television brainwash us into thinking that beauty comes in the measuremen...

(1 Timothy 6:6 NIV) But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. A few months ago, I watched my daughter, who was then four years old, run behind a duck that had made his way onto the boardwalk at the beach. Of course he didn’t let her latch onto him but it sure was entertaining to watch her try. This triggered thoughts of all the people and things I’ve pursued in my own life. As a small child I dashed behind butterflies. As a hormone crazed teen, it was boys. In my early twenties, it was the latest trends. After I had my first child, I darted after him.  Most everything I tried to obtain brought a lot of satisfaction that never lasted. At the ripe age of 33, I found myself empty, broken, and lost.  All the running left my heart invigorated but my soul depleted. On a quest to find what was missing, I soon discovered the only One I needed to chase didn’t need to be caught because He ha...

This post was written in 2015. Though it is a year old, it still rings true and always will. Happy Birthday in Heaven, Bubba! One of the most miserable, agonizing feelings is the separation from a loved one. In 2014, I was 7,000 miles away from my children and was only able to talk to them once in eleven days. On the day I arrived home from my trip, I couldn’t put my arms around them fast enough! Though it seemed it had been an eternity, once I held them, it was as if no time had passed. I went from glum to glee immediately. Today, my brother would’ve blown out 34 birthday candles. I wonder how he would’ve turned out. If the girls would still be chasing him or would he have settled down. I imagine my children jumping all over him and laughing as he was doing one of his famous impersonations. It’s been almost 11 years since he passed and there is still a pang in my heart. Remembering him is bitter sweet for thinking of happy times spent together is followed by the ache of...