Dianna Buchwalter

"I'm a bad mom." I said to myself after I raised my voice for what seemed like the 75th time a few days ago. The lie that first visited me slowly threatened to become a permanent resident.  It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. Let me set the stage a little bit. My husband and I have five children together. We are a newly blended family discovering the difficulties of merging two households into one while also reaping the rewards of it. As with most children, ours will bicker over the most petty things. "She's staring at me." "He's being bossy." And on and on. On this particular day, after a few hours of being around one another, the kids needed a break and so did I. I retreated to my bathroom and the tears flowed. Question after question flooded  my mind. "Why is this so hard?" "Am I cut out for this?" "Will it ever get better?" I didn't get immediate answers to those questions...

I fall on my knees in defeat, tired of the fight. Why does it have to be so hard, I cry out with all my might. Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the going rate. Where are you trying to get to, He asks. Don’t you know I’ll never allow you to be late? I have things I want to accomplish, I’m ready to begin. Your not ready for the task just yet my friend. Waiting can be so painful. It fills me with such strife. I know, He said, I waited for you to come to me for half your life. I’m working behind the scenes, good things are on the way. Will you trust me not just now but every day? Will I be enough for you when the answer is no? Will you move when I say go? You see, He said, I’m molding you into the person I created you to be. The process isn’t always easy but it’s placing your dependence on me. When you think the battle has been lost, I order my angels to hold you up. Spend some time with me, I AM the living w...